


Déjà Vu

by cloudlarrents



Category: Harry Styles - Fandom
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-10
Updated: 2018-12-16
Packaged: 2019-09-15 14:02:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,654
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16934592
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cloudlarrents/pseuds/cloudlarrents
Summary: As a young girl, Jacquelyn Meadows had a best friend, Harry Styles. One night his abusive father pushes him to hard, leading to his own suicide at the age of 11. As much as it heart Jack, the trauma affected her so deeply that it led to a cause of childhood traumatic amnesia. She forgets everything, though she sometimes has suspicious dreams. One day she runs into a pretty boy with chocolate curls and gorgeous green eyes. Little by little he affects her life in ways she never knew was possible. But he has to hide his secret from her to protect her. Family drama, childhood trauma, and newfound love all play a roll in the most insane realization that Jacquelyn will ever have: her new boyfriend is not the man she thought he was.-I also posted this story on Wattpad. My username is cloudlarrents there.





	1. Chapter 1

*(This entire chapter is basically a suicide attempt. If you choose not to read it, the rest of the story may not be quite as clear for you, because this is basically the basis of the whole story. It's a dream from the main character - a memory - of when her best friend, HAZ *cough cough hint hint*, attempted suicide at age 11 (the main character was 10), because of his abusive father. However, you will get along just fine without. It's your choice.)*

-

Narrator

-

(Flashback)

"Haz... please don't do this." a small feminine voice cries out, broken. 

"I'm sorry. I can't be here anymore. Not like this. I have to."  This time it was a new voice. The voice of a small boy. His words were barely audible beneath his own choking sobs. 

"No you don't! You're not solving anything by doing this! You're only hurting the people who love you!" The girl raised her voice, stomping one foot on the ground as if she were at the store with her father and he wouldn't buy her what she wanted. It always worked with him. 

"There is no one that loves me! Not anymore! I'm messed up! My father beats me because I'm a disappointment to him!" He lifts his shirt and turns around, once again reminding her of the ugly, jagged scar on his back - and some fresh bruises. "He did this to me, because I deserved it. I don't want to grow up with no mother, and a father who hates me... I can't do it! I'm just a child that screwed up both of their lives!" his voice breaks as he steps closer to the edge.

Her eyes threaten to spill tears. The girl takes a step closer to him, and reaches her arm out. "Please don't leave me..." she chokes out, fear engulfing her every word. She wanted to move, to run towards him and carry him as far away from that cliff as possible. She did, but every time she tried to move her feet seemed as if they were stuck to that floor forever, unable to do so. 

"Goodbye, Jack." he almost whispers and turns around in a swift motion. Spreading his arms he goin a few steps, and almost as fast as he was there, he was gone. Instantly, the single person who meant the most to her in the entire world simple ceased to exist. 

"No!!" She screamed in horror, running to the edge and falling to her knees. She watched his body lurch toward the cold, angry water, and the jagged rocks hidden underneath it. 

Just like that, he was gone. His cheeky smile, his chocolate curls, those eyes that reminded her of the Emerald City. Every moment she had spent loving him, her best friend, had seemed to be in vain. 

*(if you stopped reading because of the trigger warning, please start reading again here)*

She jolted awake, her entire body coated in a thin layer of sweat, hands shaking, lips quivering, eyes repeatedly blinking to keep the tears away. 

As soon as she woke up, she forgot the specific details of the dream, but she knew it was horrifying. And she knew that it felt so vivid- so... real. 

On that night of her childhood, as she stared up at the stars, she swore that she would never forget him, that he would forever be in her heart. As a little girl, he really did mean the world to her, and life seemed as it would never go on. 

But it did go on, as she moved on. As young as she was, the trauma she experienced that night struck her fatally. The sweet little girl grew to forget her friend, not purposefully of course. She wanted to remember him, and she tried with all her might to do so, but the universe had other plans. 

A common cause of traumatic amnesia was what the doctors called it. All she could remember was that something terrible had happened that night under the stars, and no one, not even her own brain, would let her remember it. Visions came to her in dreams, and she had theories that they were memories, but she could never remember enough of what she dreamed about, and anyone she asked refused to slip a single word of what happened. 

And so she lived on like that. In the darkness, just like she was that night. And even though she put up with it, she felt that she was always missing a huge piece. It was as if she had a puzzle put together but she only had the border, and the rest of the pieces vanished into thin air. 

She told herself that it was nothing to her, that it didn't hurt. She faked her perfect smiles, not to convince others she was happy, but to convince herself. She planted the thought in her head that she no longer cared, because doing so never got her anywhere. She believed she was just a young, naive little girl. 

And she lived with that burden every day.


	2. One

Jacquelyn  
Journal Entry

-

"You get bored too easily", that's what they say. To them, I move on too easily, put the phone down too fast, ignore the texts, reject the calls, and move on to the next person with ease. To them, I treat people like they are flavor of the week. To them, I am the girl who leaves. 

But that's not who I used to be. 

I was the girl who stayed even when things got rough. I was the one who stayed when the texts got lesser, the calls shorter, nights rough, and dates nonexistent. I stayed even when I was treated badly, and knew I had the choice to walk away. I was a girl who constantly gave second chances, even when they don't deserve it. I used to be the girl who would take them back if they would simply apologize. I used to let my guard down so quickly, that just anyone could come in, say a few sweet words, and have my heart handed over to them. I used to have my heart on my sleeve all the time, putting so much time and effort into every relationship even though it wasn't reciprocated. I constantly held on to faith and hope, trusting that everything would somehow work out, and I would have my happily ever after. 

But I quickly came to learn that things don't always happen that way.

With every heartbreak, I began to realize what I want, and what I deserve. With every piece of my heart broken and thrown away, I began to build a wall around the pieces left to protect myself; guard myself with walls so high, no one could get over them.  I locked my heart and threw away the keys. I began to trust people less and less and was so sure that everyone who entered my life would eventually leave; and so I became the one who leaves, before I'm left. 

The girl who couldn't care less what broken heart she left behind. The girl who guys text constantly, trying to win over, but dismisses them one by one. I became the girl who doesn't give a second thought about anyone else's pain.

This is all just a joke to me, and everyone has to make their own way of it. We're all here, and we all have to be here, so why not make it fun? We only have so much time on this planet, right? Who knows what's next? Do we rot in hell, or prosper in heaven for eternity? Do we float around in a cloud of nonexistence? Do we find another body? Who knows, but for now, I want to enjoy the time I have. I'm here for a good time, not a long time. Though I can't say my time here has been good at all. 

What makes this place tolerable for me, is when I realize how intolerable it is for everyone else. Hurting people is mysteriously interesting, because you watch them experience the same pain you did, far too many times. Innocent people, just like yourself, being hurt, just like yourself. 

It sounds sick, but if you were me, you'd understand. 

Think about it like this:  
You're a cardboard box. People have stepped on and crushed you your whole life. But, you build yourself back up with all those little ripped pieces, and become bigger and stronger than all of them. So you go out and step on everybody else, like they did to you. 

When you think you're innocent, that's when it happens. When you don't think you deserve it, that's when you know you actually do. From the first box's point of view, you ask yourself why the world is so cruel. But from the big box's point of view, you learned a lesson. You learned that, it's every man for themselves; you have to fight in every battle to win a war. 

Simple.

You see, love isn't real. This is what "love" turned me into; a broken china doll. 

Nobody knows the real me. No one knows why I do what I do. Nobody has the fucking decency to even ask me how my day was, though I probably wouldn't answer them. 

Nobody actually cares about me. They care about my body, my face, my sexual skills. Not my personality. Not my well being. They all pretend they do, but it's fake. 

Who am I to judge? I put on a fake smile everyday. A fake me; that's what everyone sees. They all know picture-perfect-model, Jaqueline Lee Meadows; fake tan, manicured nails, ice-white hair and all. 

Nobody has ever decided to look deeper than my outside. Well, not until he came along.

But I can't tell you about him right now. I have to start at the beginning.


End file.
